This isn’t what I wanted.
I love our story together. Married young. We came from the same background so we ‘got’ each other. We had each other through all of life’s up and downs. From leaving our childhood church together to looking for a new church to finding a renewed real faith in Jesus.
We together understood the heartache of family problems and we had each other to maul over all our cares and frustrations. When life got us down we were there for one another.
We were the only one who experienced all 3 births of our children. The joy and frustrations of these 3 precious gifts.
I don’t want another story. I loved what we had. I’m so angry that it turned out this way. I wanted to love you til ‘death do us part’ but I thought that would be a long time from now. Why did it have to come so soon?
Why couldn’t I have had another 10, 20 30 or even 50 years with you? But even then, I know that wouldn’t have been enough either.
Babe, that’s what I miss most right now. You’re not here when I need to chat about all that’s been happening. I want your advice. Your strong hand. Your thought out plan. It all seems so barren and lonely without you. You know I’m a terrible decision maker. I always have been.
Where are you when I don’t know what type of heater to install? Where are you when I need advice once again on this teenager thing? Where are you when I’m exhausted and just want to plop on the couch and hold your hand? What about what home project to work on next? Or the next restaurant to try?
I want to ask you how your day was. I want to touch your hair and scratch your back. I miss so many things about you. Life is hard without you. I miss you terribly. I miss your voice. I miss your smile. I miss you.
My favorite thing you’ve ever said to me was, “I know that if we have each other, we can get through anything.”
And babe I don’t know how I’m gonna get through this because you’re not here with me in this. This is the loneliest I’ve ever been.
But I guess it shows just how special you were to me. This gaping hole in my heart will never be filled because when I lost you I lost the best friend husband and man I’d ever lay eyes on. Those are no easy shoes to fill so they’ll lay empty.
And now I’ll have to choose gratitude for what I did have. You were my life’s greatest blessing.
This isn’t the Story I Wanted, I want You.
God, grant me the strength to face each day without my precious, Carl.
Oh, man, your words are just perfect, I am so sorry that you have to experience the loss of your husband, just know that his spirit is always with you as well as all of your blogger friends here., wish I could say more to help you, but just know, if you need to reach out to one of us, I am here, Janet
Oh Melanie I wish I could just put my arms around you in a hug and just rock the pain away. They say it will take a while for the hole in your heart to heal. If it ever will I don’t know for I have the same hole. Keep busy and more important get into the Word everyday and have that date with your Abba….memorize the verses that speak to you….keep a journal to record how you feel and how you see Him working in your life each moment of the day. Then you can look back and see how He has met your needs.
He says He will be a husband to the widow. I haven’t gotten used to that label yet for I’m still Paul’s wife. My prayers are with you. You are not alone.
Thank you for the kind words Ellen. In these difficult days, you do just wish the pain to go away. Thanks for the encouragement.
I am so very sorry for your lose. I know that there aren’t any words I could say to ease your pain. Just know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
May God bless and watch over you. You will survive, not the same, not what you wanted but you will survive because you must for your children and yourself. It’s what life is about , joy and happiness, heartbreak and sorrow. It makes us who we are.
Trust in the Lord always, He will always be there for you.
With the comfort that you need, right at the time you need it, be it a word from a friend , the written Word, a song, He. Will never leave you nor forsake you.
Praying for you and your family daily.
My deepest condolences and many prayers for you and your children …..God is always there for you….may He bring you solace and peace.
Melanie, I am at a loss for words. I wish you did not have to go through this so young, but thank you for sharing this journey with us. Please know that I continue to pray for your family and wish I could do more. Please do not hesitate to ask if there is anything we can do to help make your days a little easier.
Melanie, raw and real. It’s the hardest, most excruciating pain. There are no shortcuts through grief but there is a way through. God will tenderly take care of you and little step by little step you will be able to move through the pain. Stay in the Word as God will anchor you and feed you like daily manna there. Hold onto what you know to be true over your feelings. It won’t always feel this way. Give yourself and your family so much grace. I’m praying for you. xoxo
I’m living in Turkey, miles away from where you are and I can’t explain how I’m feeling your pain in my heart. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s the unwanted reality of life, unfortunately.
I know there is nothing on this earth to ease your pain. Maybe your children. They have pieces of your husband and you in their bodies and souls. I believe that he is right there with you.
I met your blog thanks to a Facebook group and I’m so glad I did. You have lots of amazing recipes here. Please try to keep up the good work!
You are in my thoughts my friend.
I am so sorry for your loss. Losing someone is never an easy process… especially when that person is your whole world.
Your words were absolutely beautiful and had me honestly bawling thinking about how I would feel if I ever lost my husband. We are expecting our first baby in October so, I’m about 5 months pregnant right now lol. (hormones)
I can’t imagine how you feel. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
~Ray
Hi Melanie,
I just posted a comment on the other thread. You write so well that all what I fear of is in it.
I’m sure he’s beside you and he will spiritually guide you through difficult times. Its hard in the beginning since you don’t see when you really want to, you can’t touch them when you are so wanting to hug them, but they are with you. Its God’s decision which is of course unfair at times… Time heals the pain, they say.. But believe me, it gets better but not gone…
My prayers are with you and your kids.
Be Strong, your kids need you the most…