It’s been 3 months. I’ve wanted to write but I fear in turning you away with my honest feelings of grief over these past weeks.
My grief in losing my best friend has been beyond my comprehension to understand. Every time I take my eyes off of Jesus and being with my sweet Carl again, I falter and give way to tears and depression. I can’t stand the thought of the future without my husband. Each day seems a weight too heavy to bear. Each morning, I immediately remember my loss and look out the window and dread facing the day.
It’s as if I’m climbing a mountain. Yet, each day is a mountain. I climb and I climb and I climb. Finally, night falls. I can rest. But each day I rise, there’s a new mountain with fresh tears, dashed dreams, no lovey hugs from my favorite person, no conversations about today’s endeavors. It’s heart-wrenching. And I don’t know when it will end.
And then there’s a new fear. What if it does get easier as people say? Does that mean I will forget his smile, his kindness, his ability to make me feel like I could do anything? So then I think on that and get sad all over again.
I look at my children. I love them very much. But I never wanted this job for my own. My children need their father and it saddens me that my almost 16 year old won’t have his dad to teach him to drive this summer. And that my youngest who’s turning double digits won’t have his dad for his Passport to Purity weekend. Or that my daughter won’t have daddy to walk her down the aisle for a special celebration at church this August.
My heart groans with each passing day. It feels like an eternity already since we’ve been together. And I try to remember every little detail about him. I look forward to eternity together but I fear that each day will continue to feel like forever until we’re together again.
I want the world to know how much I love Carl and how his love keeps me afloat in this world. His touch helped me to feel safe. His humor kept me joyful. His advice helped me see things through different eyes.
Without all this, I’ve been tossing and turning on the waves for sure. But I only get through each day by looking up. I’m looking for Jesus.
Carl and Jesus are in my future and for that, I’m filled with hope. I’ve never known such heartache but I’ve never hoped for heaven as I do now. It will be glorious. I can’t wait for us to be a family again.
Til we meet and eat again,
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Lori Keim says
And still, each day, you DO rise. Praying that He continues to be the lifter of your head (and of your precious childrens’ heads). Not only do you rise to the challenge of your mountain, but Jesus shines brightly through you; through your honest struggle and quiet strength so intricately woven together. Only Jesus can help somebody walk through a deep loss like this with such grace. I am praying heartfelt prayers for you and your family; asking Him to carry you, but also thanking Him for your witness to so many. Your sister in Christ, Lori
Laura K. says
Bless you dear, it does get easier. My husband passed away 6 years ago from cancer and my youngest son this last September.You never forget or stop missing them but it gets different. You know you can still talk to them and I believe they can hear me. God gives us amazing strength to do what we must to carry on.You are in my prayers.
Sharon Clements says
I was widowed in 2006. It does get easier but you won’t ever stop missing your husband. At first, I cried all the time. Then after 6 months or so I just cried every day. When a year had passed, my judgement seemed to be better, and I didn’t cry nearly as often. It seemed like it got better again when 18 months had passed. So it’s going on 12 years now, but I haven’t forgotten him , and I still love him and miss him. I’ll be praying for you!
Lesley says
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I pray for peace and Gods love to surround you.
Carol Shirvinsky says
I pray for you and your family every single day. Not planning to stop, either.
Samantha says
I wish I had the right words to comfort you, Melanie, but please know that so many of us hold you in our hearts and continue to pray for you and your children.
Cordelia says
Dear Melanie, this is months later. How are you doing? My heart almost breaks when I read and reread this. Thank you for your honesty. I long for Jesus to give you daily strength. Caring, Cordelia
Patrick says
My heart aches for you , for I have been in your shoes. I lost my son and my brother 90 days apart by means of suicide. It has been two and a half years and what I would not do to see or hear their voice again. I offer all the prays for the pain to ease. It takes time , I cried everyday for two years and sunk into a deep depression for two years, and just this past April I became me again. Take the time to grieve(I didn’t because I had to be the rock for the family and strong for my elderly parents). Talking to others friends , pastors and those who know you help the healing process, honestly reach out ,pray and time eases the pain. I wish I could give you a hug.,just so you know people care. God’s speed and I pray for your pain to ease. Please take care and treasure the little ones. GOD BLESS!