This isn’t what I wanted.
I love our story together. Married young. We came from the same background so we ‘got’ each other. We had each other through all of life’s up and downs. From leaving our childhood church together to looking for a new church to finding a renewed real faith in Jesus.
We together understood the heartache of family problems and we had each other to maul over all our cares and frustrations. When life got us down we were there for one another.
We were the only one who experienced all 3 births of our children. The joy and frustrations of these 3 precious gifts.
I don’t want another story. I loved what we had. I’m so angry that it turned out this way. I wanted to love you til ‘death do us part’ but I thought that would be a long time from now. Why did it have to come so soon?
Why couldn’t I have had another 10, 20 30 or even 50 years with you? But even then, I know that wouldn’t have been enough either.
Babe, that’s what I miss most right now. You’re not here when I need to chat about all that’s been happening. I want your advice. Your strong hand. Your thought out plan. It all seems so barren and lonely without you. You know I’m a terrible decision maker. I always have been.
Where are you when I don’t know what type of heater to install? Where are you when I need advice once again on this teenager thing? Where are you when I’m exhausted and just want to plop on the couch and hold your hand? What about what home project to work on next? Or the next restaurant to try?
I want to ask you how your day was. I want to touch your hair and scratch your back. I miss so many things about you. Life is hard without you. I miss you terribly. I miss your voice. I miss your smile. I miss you.
My favorite thing you’ve ever said to me was, “I know that if we have each other, we can get through anything.”
And babe I don’t know how I’m gonna get through this because you’re not here with me in this. This is the loneliest I’ve ever been.
But I guess it shows just how special you were to me. This gaping hole in my heart will never be filled because when I lost you I lost the best friend husband and man I’d ever lay eyes on. Those are no easy shoes to fill so they’ll lay empty.
And now I’ll have to choose gratitude for what I did have. You were my life’s greatest blessing.
This isn’t the Story I Wanted, I want You.
God, grant me the strength to face each day without my precious, Carl.
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