It’s been 3 months. I’ve wanted to write but I fear in turning you away with my honest feelings of grief over these past weeks.
My grief in losing my best friend has been beyond my comprehension to understand. Every time I take my eyes off of Jesus and being with my sweet Carl again, I falter and give way to tears and depression. I can’t stand the thought of the future without my husband. Each day seems a weight too heavy to bear. Each morning, I immediately remember my loss and look out the window and dread facing the day.
It’s as if I’m climbing a mountain. Yet, each day is a mountain. I climb and I climb and I climb. Finally, night falls. I can rest. But each day I rise, there’s a new mountain with fresh tears, dashed dreams, no lovey hugs from my favorite person, no conversations about today’s endeavors. It’s heart-wrenching. And I don’t know when it will end.
And then there’s a new fear. What if it does get easier as people say? Does that mean I will forget his smile, his kindness, his ability to make me feel like I could do anything? So then I think on that and get sad all over again.
I look at my children. I love them very much. But I never wanted this job for my own. My children need their father and it saddens me that my almost 16 year old won’t have his dad to teach him to drive this summer. And that my youngest who’s turning double digits won’t have his dad for his Passport to Purity weekend. Or that my daughter won’t have daddy to walk her down the aisle for a special celebration at church this August.
My heart groans with each passing day. It feels like an eternity already since we’ve been together. And I try to remember every little detail about him. I look forward to eternity together but I fear that each day will continue to feel like forever until we’re together again.
I want the world to know how much I love Carl and how his love keeps me afloat in this world. His touch helped me to feel safe. His humor kept me joyful. His advice helped me see things through different eyes.
Without all this, I’ve been tossing and turning on the waves for sure. But I only get through each day by looking up. I’m looking for Jesus.
Carl and Jesus are in my future and for that, I’m filled with hope. I’ve never known such heartache but I’ve never hoped for heaven as I do now. It will be glorious. I can’t wait for us to be a family again.
Til we meet and eat again,
FOLLOW ALONG: Gather for Bread
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